Fell too early?

I think I fall for him..

But I also think I fell too early..

The moment I feel like having a crush, that's the moment I think I have a mistake.

Is it too soon? Yes, it is.

We just talk casually, yes it's every day but we talk less on weekends, and not even once we did deep talk.

We are just an acquintance for each other.

We're just happen to talk every day. That's it.

So why do I fall?

No reason. One is loved because one is loved, no reason is needed.

I'm so used to being alone. I enjoy it. Doing anything alone, not talking about my everyday life to anyone other than myself (or to my best friend if there are some worthy stories).

So when suddenly there is someone I can talk to everyday, especially when that someone is a good listener and responder, isn't it not strange at all if I feel comfortable with him?

But yes, I ruin this.

The moment I fell for him, I ruin this relationship, this friendship.

Because I know that we are nothing.

So I decided to make some boundaries to myself.

Since we know each other through online, I always assume there must be another women.

Everytime I accidentaly seeing him online but not replying my chat, I assume he's talking with another women.

Everytime we talk less on weekends, he must be meeting up with another women.

Everytime he mentions "my friend", I assume that friend of yours is a woman.

It may be true, or not. All those assumptions are my way to build this boundary and to protect myself.

Protect myself from hoping more..

There must be a woman whose relationship with you is deeper than what we're having right now.

Since we're just...just like that, no more than friend. Are we even can call each other as friend?

But if there are another women around him, I can totally understand.

We're in this mature age after all. Isn't it normal when someone, especially men, try to know a lot of people, to end up choosing who suits the best?

Our conversation stops right now, as there's nothing that can be responded. Is it the end? Will he greet me despite not having something he can respond?

Let's see..

But everytime the condition is becoming like this, I always assume this is the end of the conversation; quietly bid farewell.

I've already prepared for that since day one so my heart won't hurt (by my own expectation).

I'm ready meeting the end.. but I'm not ready at all at the same time..

So prepared yet so afraid..

But, you know, having a crush give you happiness too.

That butterfly feeling which I haven't felt since long, that excitement I feel when I see notifications from him, and other happy feelings.

They're all feel so good.

My everyday life is not so boring anymore right now.

So I guess I'll just let myself enjoy this very moment while I can, before knowing what will happen next, hehe.