Damn, I've never thought I would write this after all these years

You know what, I've been quite happy with my life lately.

So free, so happy, enjoying my own company, there are a lot of new things that I do.

Feels like I'm on peak happiness right now.

But,

Weeks ago, on the last week of October, I accidentally know that my ex was getting marry.

Yes, that ex from 3 years ago.

He's married to the woman he told me nothing to worry about back then.

The presence that made him losing his feeling for me when we were still together. 

(I didn't accuse him, but one of his circle told me that he 'open his card' to them and admitted that he was cheating on me because he's bored not being able to meet me on pandemic, dan pada akhirnya cinlok).

And yes, despite the fact that I'm really happy with my life right now, knowing that fact indeed reopen my old wounds.

No, I don't even have the desire to get back together.

It's done DONE since years ago.

I don't even want him back.

Gue bahkan heran juga kenapa hal itu jadi ganggu pikiran gue.

Ngga yang ganggu banget sih, cuma tetep bikin kesel sama diri sendiri.

Maybe because, he's married to that woman?

I think if he's married, but to another girl, I might feel just fine.

But knowing that the woman he's married to had such history that has something to do with me, that really reopen my wounds.

And maybe, the other reason is because that was actually our plans first?

That was our plan to getting marry at the age of 27, which is this year.

That was even our plan to go to Malang and Bromo as our honeymoon destination, so that we can reminisce our first meet, our dating era, and because he knew I prefer colder place, that's why we plan to go to Bromo?

I bet he didn't remember, but I do remember our plan.

And now, all of then went according to the plan, but for him only.

And me right here have to bear the pain that I don't deserve.
Why do I have to be the one who bear all this when all I did was loving someone with all my heart?

Why do I have to be the one who bear all this when I did nothing wrong?

And him, he lives happily, everything goes according to his wishes and plans.

Yes, for a moment I felt like this world is really unfair.

He broke up with me in an instance, took him a short amount of time to go out and date someone new (as if our 6 years together was nothing) and now he's married.

I guess I can really relato to that Olivia Rodigro's "Traitor".

Gue yang dijahatin, tapi gue yang harus nanggung luka?

Sementara yang jahat, hidupnya mulus-mulus aja.

Gue tau ini hal yang jelek, merasa dunia tidak adil.

Tapi yaudah biarkan gue pada saat itu merasakan itu.

I'm just a human after all.

I know everyone has a perfect timing for everything.

God has made the perfect plans for all.

I just wish that I can easily unbothered by this.

I just wish that I can just forget about this, just like I did before.

Lagian kalo gue galau belum move on, harusnya mah sama mantan gue yang paling terakhir ngga sih, yang bahkan belum ada 6 bulan sejak pisah...

Kalo sama yang kemarin aja lo udah bisa pulih dan biasa aja dalam waktu yang singkat, harusnya ini juga Sa.

Lo hanya merugikan diri lo sendiri dengan bersikap seperti ini.

Oke, mungkin emang pengalaman lu dengan orang ini sangat menyakitkan sehingga akan lebih susah untuk tidak ketrigger, but you have worked so hard for this, to not being easily triggered.

Jangan biarin satu moment merusak usaha lo selama ini.

Just remember how disrespect he was at the last moment. To you, AND YOUR PARENTS.

Gue yakin kok dia juga sekarang udah jadi lebih baik, udah bisa ngetreat wanita dengan benar yang akhirnya bisa meminang wanita tersebut.

Cuma ya itu tidak menutup fakta bagaimana dia bersikap ke gue dulu.

Yang bikin lo bersyukur untuk tau sisi ini sebelum terlanjur terikat pernikahan.

We were just not meant for each other, that's why God made you have this kind of pain, for you to realize.

Ayo Sa, lanjutkan notes list lo yang berisi hal-hal apa aja yang emang bikin lo sadar kalo you deserve better.

Hal-hal yang emang ngga sesuai dan ngga cocok dengan prinsip lo.

Supaya saat lo mulai kepikiran hal ngga penting ini lagi, lo bisa baca notes ini dan lo akan diingatkan dan disadarkan kembali kalo you tolerated way too much back then.

Dan bikin lo bersyukur karena lo udah ngga sama dia, udah ngga berhubungan dan kontakan sama dia, and you suppose to not giving a fuck anymore.

Just remember even his friend told you that you deserve better, Sa.

Prioritize yourself.

Choose yourself, and then the right ones will chase you and choose you.

I wish them the best. I really do.

Karena mereka memang berjodoh, jadi ya gue berpikir aja kalo justru selama ini gue yang jadi penghalang mereka, haha.

And for me, I know God has prepared the best man for me.

Yang akan membuat gue bersyukur semua hubungan gue di masa lalu ngga berhasil.

Yang akan membuat gue lupa kenangan di masa lalu, because he's just so perfect.

Yuk Sa, kita tutup lagi pintu masa lalu rapat-rapat.

Karena lo tau sendiri, saat lo udah berhasil tutup pintu itu dan menikmati hidup lo, pintu yang lebih baik akan terbuka.

Just enjoy your life just like what you're already doing right now.

And forget about these unnecessary things.

So that the very best door, the one that's made for you, will open.

Gue punya pengalaman merasakan sakit yang sebegininya, serta segala hal yang sudah gue lalui di hidup gue, curiga abis ini hadiahnya sangat amat super luar biasa ngga sih? HAHA

But anyway, di sisi lain, syukurnya gue bisa melihat sisi positif dari mengalami hal macem ini.

You know, saat kita sedih, pasti akan ada setidaknya satu hal yang bikin kita happy di fase itu.

Begitu pun sebaliknya.

Nah, kali ini, gue tiba-tiba dapet kabar ini terus cukup mengganggu gue selama beberapa saat tuh, gue anggap, gue berarti sebenernya emang lagi di fase bahagia.

Jadi ya, gue lagi happy, terus ya ada aja 'kerikil' yang mencoba bikin gue jatuh dan merenggut kebahagiaan gue. Ada aja cobaan yang dateng buat ngetes.

Kalo pas lagi sedih terus ada hal yang bikin happy sih gue anggap itu akan jadi titik di mana kesedihan itu akan berakhir, tapi kalo pas lagi happy ada hal yang jadi cobaan tuh gue anggap ya buat ngetes aja, ngga akan berlangsung lama dan bikin kebahagiaan berbalik jadi sedih.

Jadi ya gue yakin kalo ini mah cuma sementara aja, toh ngga ada gunanya juga dipikirin terus.

So I guess I should be grateful, karena bisa jadi hal ini terjadi sebagai konfirmasi kalo gue emang lagi sehappy itu, bukan pura-pura happy. Hahaha